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Originally published October 11, 2012 for FF&P
Behind the Scenes: An Editor in Action
What does an editor really bring to the process? Don’t they just catch typos and grammar mistakes?
Well, no.
I’m thrilled to be able to share a few insights from an actual first-pass edit that brilliant editor Christa Desir made on my latest vampire romance, Biting Oz.
This simple change ramps the sentence from basic showing to yikes! Heroine and pit musician Junior is late getting to the theater and about to miss the downbeat.
“Overture, please.” Up front the pit director called the musicians to attention.
Before: I forked fingers into my hair, forgetting my scalp-tight braid, and nearly tore out hair.
After: I forked fingers into my hair, forgetting my scalp-tight braid, and nearly tore out a chunk.
Sometimes the editor not only points out character blind spots, but paves the way for better character and relationship development. Here heroine Junior is in the pit with friends Nixie and Julian (who is also a lawyer), when she sees hero Glynn chasing suspicious, Gollum-like Steve across the stage.
Before: “Stay here.” Julian snapped to his feet, one hand on [Nixie’s] shoulder. “Stay out of trouble.” He vaulted onto stage and dashed after Misters Gollum and Gorgeous on very long legs of his own. {Editor’s comment: So why isn’t Junior wondering why Julian is getting all up in this business? Crazy stuff happens all the time in the theater and the pit pretty much ignores it.}
After: “Stay here.” Julian snapped to his feet, one hand on her shoulder. “Stay out of trouble.” He vaulted onto stage and dashed after Misters Gollum and Gorgeous on very long legs of his own. Nixie sat.
“What was all that about?” I asked.
She shrugged. “They’re trying to catch Steve to ask for a headset? It’s theater people. Who knows.”
“Julian is theater?”
“No. But if there’s any trouble he’s the suit who’ll have to deal with it, with his Lawyerly Loquaciousness. He’s probably just mitigating the risk factors or whatever has more syllables than is healthy.”
“I see.” I didn’t, but had given up figuring out the weirdness that seemed to follow Nixie around.
An editor’s strategic pruning will make for maximum emotional impact.
Before: Glynn saw my dilemma. Brilliant guy that he was, he glided to the door and did his vampire compulsion thing. “Inside, please. Form the line here.”
I loved him a little more in that moment.
He shepherded them all in and shut the door, then nudged the line to wind through the aisles. Oh wonderful man. Vampire. Whatever. I didn’t think I could love him any more.
Until he got behind the counter and started bagging.
Keeper.
{Editor’s comment attached to second highlighted sentence: So you need to either drop this one or the earlier one bc it feels redundant.}
After: Glynn saw my dilemma. Brilliant guy that he was, he glided to the door and did his vampire compulsion thing. “Inside, please. Form the line here.”
He shepherded them all in and shut the door, then nudged the line to wind through the aisles. Oh wonderful man. Vampire. Whatever. I didn’t think I could love him any more.
Until he got behind the counter and started bagging.
Keeper.
Am I the only writer who gets so myopic with plot nuances that the characterization suffers? Thank goodness the editor catches motivation fails.
Hero Glynn visits villain Camille to convince her to stay away from heroine Junior. Here’s how I ended the scene.
Glynn left. He’d gotten what he came for—Camille had agreed to leave Junior alone.
But his headache had returned, perhaps because he knew the value of the word of the queen of lies. As empty as that pile of nothing {Editor’s comment: Which makes this entire visit an exercise in futility. You need to work harder in this scene to get him to try and draw out the old Camille. Make him believe perhaps he can change her mind.}
Needless to say, that’s exactly what I did.
Here’s an example of inadequate scene conflict coupled with character motivation failure. Heroine Junior goes to villain Camille’s bar to ask her to return hero Glynn’s tokens of home. Camille says no and Junior makes a rude gesture and leaves. {Editor’s comment: This whole previous scene doesn’t really work to me. [Junior] goes and asks for the knickknacks and Camille won’t tell her so she leaves? I think at the very least, you need her snooping around, trying to hunt around the place to see if Camille hid them somewhere. Which will also give you the excuse you need to stumble on all the rooms instead of Junior just being nosy. Then Camille can find her and they can have that conversation. Then, I think Camille needs to throw her out (w/ help of bodyguards) so we feel like she at least tried. As it stands, she has accomplished nothing and it seems silly for her to have even gone.} The editor’s version was obviously better so I rewrote the scene.
And best of all, an editor will encourage you to keep writing. At the end of the first chapter, blue-eyed friend Julian is warning heroine Junior not to go out for drinks with hero Glynn and young stage star Mishela.
“Junior, the thing is, Mishela and Glynn aren’t like you and Rocky.”
[Julian] was warning me off, just like Nixie…no, not just like Nixie, because of Nixie. The bricky titch had pulled a Business Maneuver #5—siccing a well-meaning relation on me. (Cousin Liese had tried to get me to talk her mom out of marrying a reformed badboy. It backfired because I kind of liked Race.) “Not like us? Are they brain-sucking zombies? Space aliens?” I gasped. “Mimes?”
“No, of course not.” He looked away. “Not exactly.”
“Then what? Exactly.”
“Well, I…” Frustration shaded his features. “I can’t say.” His eyes returned to mine and they were an eerie shade of violet. “But be very careful.”
That shook me. Smiling to cover it, I latched onto Rocky’s arm and pulled her out the door. He watched me with those strange violet eyes the whole way.
{Editor’s comment: Outstanding chapter one!!! }
Biting Oz (Biting Love Book 5)
Real vampires do musicals.
Gunter Marie “Junior” Stieg is stuck selling sausage for her folks in small-town Meiers Corners. Until one day she’s offered a way out—the chance to play pit orchestra for a musical headed for Broadway: Oz, Wonderful Oz.
But someone is threatening the show’s young star. To save the production, Junior must join forces with the star’s dark, secretive bodyguard, whose sapphire eyes and lyrical Welsh accent thrill her. And whose hard, muscular body sets fire to her passions.
Fierce as a warrior, enigmatic as a druid, Glynn Rhys-Jenkins has searched eight hundred years for a home. Junior’s get-out-of-Dodge attitude burns him, but everything else about her inflames him, from her petite body and sharp mind to what she can do with her hip-length braid.
Then a sensuous, insidious evil threatens not only the show, but the very foundations of Meiers Corners. To fight it, Junior and Glynn must face the truth about themselves—and the true meaning of love and home.
Warning: Cue the music, click your heels together, make a wish and get ready for one steamy vampire romance. Contains biting, multiple climaxes, embarrassing innuendos, ka-click/ka-ching violence, sausage wars and—shudder—pistachio fluff.
Mary Hughes is a computer consultant, professional musician, and author. At various points in her life she has taught Taekwondo, worked in the insurance industry, and studied religion. She is intensely interested in the origins of the universe. She has a wonderful husband (though happily-ever-after takes a lot of hard work) and two great kids. But she thinks that with all the advances in modern medicine, childbirth should be a lot less messy. Visit Mary at http://www.MaryHughesBooks.com.
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